Texts From Jane Eyre by Mallory Ortberg

This reviewer isn’t even sure where to begin with this book.  Imagine your favorite classic authors and famous book characters had access to cell phones.  Add in some goofy modern day language and text-speak and you have Texts From Jane Eyre by Mallory Ortberg.  The result is a book that will have you snorting and LOLing from the very first page.  Here is an example in the form of a short exchange between Jo and Meg from Little Women:

"MEG

MEG

MEG WHAT’S ALL THIS

WHATS ALL THIS I’M HEARING 

ABOUT YOUR GETTING MARRIED

tell me it’s a wretched lie

Jo I don’t know how many more times 

we have to have this conversation

I’ll have it a THOUSAND TIMES if I must

But yes

I’m still marrying John tomorrow

OH GREAT TRIPLE-HORNED GOD

Just like I was planning to yesterday

This is unbearable

And also last month

Answer me this, then

Who exactly do you think is going to play Mercy when 

we put on my version of The Pilgrim’s Progress this summer?

I wrote that part for YOU

Wrote it beautifully in fact

I don’t know darling

She gets a cracking scene with the villain Rodrigo where 

he tries to poison her and she screams and faints and everything

I don’t remember anyone named Rodrigo 

in The Pilgrim’s Progress

THAT’S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE MEG

I’m very sorry

This production will be ruined

Why don’t you ask Amy?

I’m not even going to dignify that with a response"

[end scene]

Ortberg takes you through the text convos of such classics as Rebecca, Hamlet, Les Miserables, Great Expectations and many more.  You’ll even get to see what Edgar Allen Poe was thinking while he wrote The Raven!

In all seriousness, this book is absolutely delightful and with the holiday season fast approaching, would make a wonderful gift for any classic literature lovers in your life. 

Check out a copy of Texts From Jane Eyre from the library today!

Longbourn by Jo Baker

Many, many authors have tried to capture the genius that is Jane Austen (and more specifically, the delight that came from the characters in Pride and Prejudice).  But Longbourn by Jo Baker isn’t an Austen rip-off.  It isn’t even a story that tries to answer the question “What happened after Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy got married?”  Instead, Baker has told the story of the Bennet household from the point of view of a rather unlikely character: the Bennet’s housemaid, Sarah. 

Sarah (about Ms. Elizabeth Bennet’s age) has been with the family since she was a little girl.  She does everything that is expected of a housemaid including: soaking and scrubbing muddy petticoats, feeding the pigs, emptying chamber pots and washing the never-ending supply of dishes being used by a family of seven.  She does not complain. But she does wonder what it would be like to live a life where no one expected you to do anything and you could act on your own free-will. 

The joyous thing about this novel is that we see only glimpses of the Bennet family; a line of conversation here and there, but not much more.  The pages are filled with Sarah’s daily activities and those of the other staff: Mr. Hill and the housekeeper Mrs. Hill, the young housemaid Polly and a new hired man, James, who has a shadowy past.  There is little here of Jane’s pining for Bingley or Elizabeth’s annoyance with Darcy.  Sarah slowly sets off down a path towards her own romance but will she end up with the mysterious James or Mr. Bingley’s handsome and charming servant Ptomely? 

Baker takes us with Sarah on her journey from young lady to woman and we get to see just how much she longs for a world outside of service.  We see her set off with Elizabeth to Kent to visit the Collinses and her amazement at the metropolis that is London.  When she is given the opportunity to leave Longbourn and serve at Pemberly, will the grand house be the new responsibilities and distractions she needs?  Will she marry in order to get out of service?  Or will she go a direction all her own without the help of her benefactors and friends? 

Longbourn by Jo Baker is a fun and new twist for even the staunchest Jane Austen fans.